rant.

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don’t want to hear them say
“You’re no good at this”

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I’m meant to be
Melting in your hand

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

-Scars (Stronger For Life), Corrinne May

~~*

Yes, I’m tired. Burnt.

I want a break. I really want a break Lord.

I don’t think serving you should be a back-breaking and heart breaking process.

I understand the need of breaking, humbling.

I understand the need for stretching.

I understand the need for correction.

But.

It’s getting too much.

I’m shaken.

Shaking is good when it’s done by the Lord – so that the unshakable things may remain. But I think I’m on the wrong ground Lord. I’m on the shakable ground, unsafe and dangerous ground.

I love the adventure Lord, I love the thrills. But today Lord, I decide to take a break – a rest.

Today, I want to be embraced by you. Today I want to lie on your bosom and rest. Today I want to be fed by you.

I really want to overcome, I really want to possess the land. 
I’m feeling horrible… really really unhappy with life now.

So I really don’t want to praise you Lord, I don’t want to go church, I don’t want to do anything. I’m too tired to pray.

Yet, right now. I WILL Praise you. I will pray. I will listen to you word. My flesh resists, my heart cries out. But I WILL CHOOSE TO BELIEVE YOUR WORD. I still choose believe even though I can’t.

I will hope even if I can’t. I will praise even if I feel defeated.

I will give you a sacrifice of praise. I will not sacrifice what doesn’t cost me. I will praise you, even if it costs me to throw away my misery and self pity.

I still choose to believe you word. I believe Lord, help me believe.

Help me… Believe…

crap.

I’m so not in my sweet spot.

Love is patient.

“It’s not always about the romance, the hearts, or the flowers. Not even the little explosions going off in your head or how you have to remind yourself to breathe whenever she’s near. Or being told you’ve used a particular turn of phrase several times to describe her and you’d never even noticed until she pointed it out. Or even coming to the painful realisation that one day both of us will, even unintentionally, hurt one another. And that she will finally get sick of me, or that I will run out of beautiful things to say to her.

But there’s no need to be afraid, precisely because everything is made brand new in Him. Water to wine. New seasons, new journeys and new beginnings. It’s walking with Him and letting Him take over. Knowing that one can only love out of the Love poured so freely into me.

Knowing that there only good days ahead for the both of us.” – J

I wrote something similar in the secured post. somewhere.

Love is faithful. Now I know why Love sticks by me.

Why Love was crucified.

Why Love was whipped, spat at and beaten.

Now I know why Love endured, why Love hung on, why Love persevered…

But it’s not about me being pretty, picture perfect, untainted and sanitized.

It’s not about me performing, being excellent and having it all together.

It’s definitely not because I deserved anything, or worthy of anything.

But because Love is just simply love…

   Patient.
       Faithful.
        Forgiving.

Because Love is Jesus. And Jesus loves me.

 

a thousand times… still your mercy remains.

Psalm 130:3-5 (Amplified Bible)

If You, Lord, should keep account of and treat [us according to our] sins, O Lord, who could stand?

But there is forgiveness with You [just what man needs], that You may be reverently feared and worshiped.

I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

So I made some mistakes, forgot about some stuff and fell short of excellence…

The stupid worm tries really hard to imitate the voice in my head and tell me i suck.

So, while it’s hard to ignore the voice sometimes.. I’ll just hear the greater voice.. There is forgiveness with Him.. My Dad, my Lord, my Savior King and my God.

I’ve failed for the umpteen time… Like the Righteous man falling seven time… What do I do when I stumble?

Get up… let Jesus dust me.. and move on… No time for pity party and ‘boo hu hu’… God has given time too precious to waste on senseless and worthless grief…

I won’t waste my tears for the devil’s pleasure…

I won’t waste my life and my time to play his sick game…

I won’t waste my gifts and anointing to entertain the worm..

daddyGod, I’m Immanuel Caleb.. YOU are with me and WE WILL TAKE DOWN THIS MOUNTAIN.

I need a break Lord, you’ll provide it.

But most of all Lord, I’ll boost in my weakness – it is most visible now.. but while it’s hard to smile and rejoice in my infirmities… Yet I’ll do it… Because you are a good God…

Your mercy remains.

Thanks Pastor!!!

And from the man of God himself.. A confirmation. (:

Thanks Pastor Benjamin for blogging a followup to the ‘Time Management and Serving’ post. (:
And now the part that got me excited..

“More specifically, for those going into their first year of work, there is a need to be realistic. This is a transition period and you need to allow time to grown and learn. However, do give your weekends to your family and church. If you’ve been serving actively in ministry, I think it’s ok to re-look your commitments, and discuss with your leaders and see how you can take on a less taxing role over a period of time – maybe three months. Having said that, I would discourage anyone from pulling away from church completely. You can take a break from serving, but continue to come for services and keep in the fellowship. This keeps you safe.
Once things have stabilised and you’ve gotten used to working life however, it is good to start serving actively again. Like what I said previously, you will find that God will use the church to hone and groom you, and prepare you for the greater things that He has in store for you.“
I don’t know if that’s a confirmation to go back to Gems.. but I can see that confirmation of God being ON MY SIDE… it’s ok to take it slow in serving now… I’m serving GOD not the church… If it’s for God’s glory then it WILL be for the good of the church..
So me resting is giving glory to God… haha Lord provide a way for me to serve in greater capacitiy after HM 2009.
It’s be a new and exciting beginning… (:
~~~*
Our new ministry name – ‘The Zone’…
If you remove the ‘Z’.. you’ll get ‘The ONE’… it’s clear to see that this name is of God and significant.
ONE ministry worshipping The ONE God, with ONE heart and ONE voice.. Together we are The ZONE. (:
Awesome.. really. To see how God unifies and increases the youth ministry.. Pastor Lian was right… The glory of the youth ministry is before us…And it’ll only shine brighter and brighter…
Like what Lao Da used to say… We ain’t see nothing yet.
PTL.

bad luck.

bad luck doesn’t exist.

but Lord I don’t like what I’m facing now.

what should i blog today?

“I wonder why the ground is vibrating.. *buzz* *buzz*… Anyway what should I blog about today..”

~~~*

Again the thought comes by. Should I return to GEMS… Am I running away from where I am now?

And gosh, how am I going to tell Coach and Yvon? What reasons am I going to give?

Yups, just be honest Imm… just be really honest… (Trying.. trying…)

And so the story thus far. Meanwhiles, Lord flood me with revelations of your love and your righteousness to me. This month and the next 5 months. Intensive Grace and Intensive revelations Lord… (:

When God speaks.

Attuning your ears to God’s voice doesn’t mean your problems are automatically solved or that the other voice just fades away. No, it’s more like having an intimate conversation with a close friend in a noisy, crowded place. There may be other voices around you but you don’t hear them because you’re so focused on what your friend is saying.

That’s how it is with God’s voice. Whether He speaks to you through the Scriptures, through a friend, or through your life’s circumstances, He’s always communicating with the heart that seeks Him. His promise to you is, ‘Your ears will hear a voice… saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”‘ One word from God, just one, can change your entire outlook.
Bob Gass

Instead of thinking the negative voices, the shouts of discouragement and the whispers of fear are all within us and hence from us, why not consider them a crowd that surrounds us. We hear them, but we don’t have to obey them. Can we be affected by the shouts of the mob?

Of course – but they no longer dictate our steps. We are no longer of the crowd, walking according to the world, dominated by its prince. We are new creations raised from the dead, free with our Father.

epiphany: numero dos

He is in me.

The creator of all things big and small.

He lives in me.

He has made his home in me.

Of all places in the world… He chose to dwell in little me.

So close to me. Within me.

If I have Jesus. I have all.

I have Jesus – I have everything.

The gospel is simple. It’s giving a poor man your bowl of rice and telling him that you recieved this bowl from the one who made rice.

of Psalms 42.

 ⁵Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.” – Psalms 42 KJV

I like this verse in the KJV translation.. I feel the emotion behind those words.

Adequate to express my heart’s quietest groans. And I’m sure my Lord hears me.

~~~*

What am I troubled about.. what is that I’m worried about?

I feel stretched once more.. Ministry and work is pulling at two different directions… And yes I have alot on my plate again…

But it’s good.. really… I asked for mountain full of giants didn’t I? (I’m called Caleb aren’t I?)

People might wonder what in world am I thinking… Simple.

I know I really cannot overcome this alone. I know my strength is limited.

But Lord, just renew my vision.. Open my eyes to your grace and your might.

I am your branch aren’t I? You’re the vine… I’m PART of you.. There may be voices that shout otherwise, they may shout everything negative…

If You, LORD, should mark iniquities,  O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be worshipped.   Psalms 130:3-4