maybe.

by e

It’s hard to blog personal issues publicly on this blog knowing that person whom I may not feel comfortable about sharing such stuff may be reading. No offence guys. 🙂 but it’s pride here mans… haha some things I just can’t say here without a long string of context and qualifications because you don’t know me that well.

Lets just say it’s a hassle typing disclaimers and being overly conscious of what I write that may not always be the most edifying. (:

But today, I’ll just bare my soul to the world. Heck who’s reading today. I’m pouring out my soul.

It’s been a tumultuous year. Earthquakes popping up here and now, not just the literal one who took millions of lives (and that I really feel sorry for) but the shaking that upsets my emotions and my beliefs.

I am a emotional dude. Emooooo~ But I admit (pride aside) I am easily hurt, rather discouraged. And a thousand and one things have been battering me. I gotta say this, I’m not strong emotionally, I try to be, I act, I fake it well, but I’ve never found myself being entirely in control of my emotions. Be it the nasty temper or the ‘woe is me’ depressive spirit.

But if I ever manage to pull off the I’m strong or I’m cold and steady look – I must be faking it.

Lets face it, I was made emotional. True fact, I’m not blaming God, I’m not second-guessing His design on me. But I do believe with all of my heart that I’m made emotionally sensitive. Little wonder how I manage to get under people’s skins so easily, pull off the ‘I think we’ve know each other for quite some time’ moments. Well as much as I love to get under people’s skins, I think I can’t get under every skins – and I’m not apologetic about it. We win some and lose some don’t we?

I’m made emotional, I sense stuff, I feel stuff really well, I love sappy love stories. I can watch a movie and feel super inspired, I love speeches and rallying cries. I love being sensitive to all these ‘feelings’ the rush of excitement, the pains of love, the wonder of heroism and the beauty of sacrifice.

But the feeling I dislike most is loneliness. I enjoy solitude (ALOT)  but I tend to feel the overwhelming grip of loneliness easily. Yes, it’s a spiritual issue, yada yada yada… I know (and that’s the problem, I know but I do nothing.. haha) But it’s a real feeling nonetheless.

But while it’s a journey I am currently taking to overcome. I would really appreciate to live in a much real world, especially in church and at home.

Like it or not, people are guarded, defensive, on their best behavior and worst – fake. Maybe it’s just me, but too often everyone has the right things to say, the positive confessions. But what happen to the real people with real lives and real issues? Sharing wounds now seems like a AA (Anything problem Anonymous), nothing wrong with the some group sharing and the timely corrections but what happened to the family and the body of Christ? If every joint truly supplies, there has to be more than sharing of blessings, ‘testimonies’, and superficial niceties. We need meat, strength that empowers not impress.

I’m honestly tired of the ‘right’ but lifeless things. (personal opinion, open to correction) But if every joint were to supply, guys please supply Godly love but most of all Godly Strength ya?

But I rant too much – what I really need is a Holy Love Lockdown.

 

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